CONTORTED PASTA

Snee

2018-02-28T22:45:11Z

my name ys Twirl
and wen ys frost,
and fal from skye
the snoflak dost,
in spots untrod
no sulie show –
i reche my hande

i eat the sno

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NyQuilback Writer

2016-12-13T07:03:21Z

Here is something I wrote in a dream last night:

While Rebecca made another attempt at the snack car, John looked at his notepad in despair. In the hope of turning this transcontinental rail journey into a bestselling travel memoir, he had decided to keep a list of all the amusing things that had happened to them, but here they were halfway through Texas and he'd only got this:
Both found our respective gendered toilets occupied when we tried to go at the same time

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The List

2016-02-03T22:44:55Z

Like the whole rest of the world, I watched the Sherlock Christmas/New Year's special ...

I definitely enjoyed it, despite having problems with it. It's so rare I can kick back and enjoy something fun, I'm not going to let a few misgivings get to me if the rest of it has me in its palm. One of those misgivings regards where they're going with Sherlock's character – part of the appeal of the show was how faithful they stayed to the original despite updating the setting, and in this episode they've given themselves an exit door from that fidelity. I thought it was a very important and perspicacious distinction in his character that the drugs were a response to boredom, but Moffat & Gatiss seem to have their own direction on this. However, I must say I am becoming more and more a fan of ambiguity in story: The Lady or the Tiger? annoyed me to high heaven when I read it in Grade 9, but I find I don't really care whether Sherlock Holmes is a Victorian dreaming of the Future or a Modern dreaming of the Past, so long as it's interesting and handled well. Those qualities appear in increasingly short supply, so it seems a pity to waste them.

Anyway. It should be no surprise I have identified rather strongly with Sherlock from the beginning; while he's straying out of bounds a bit as a character, the whole 'drugs' thing hasn't changed that. Goodness knows I'm a junkie of the worst sort, albeit not on psychoactive chemicals ...

I'd never dream of taking all of those in one go, though; I wouldn't sleep for a week ...

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Captain Mjolnir

2013-11-06T08:40:03Z

My iPod decided today that I was going to listen to the Doctor Horrible soundtrack.

So much for getting an early night.

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The Horoscope Game

2013-10-16T16:47:43Z

Sagittarius (Joe Gillis) - This is a pleasant day. However, you're restless and bored because you want somethign different to happen. Stay flexible so that you can accommodate change at a moment's notice. Something surprising or unusual people may cross your path. It's not a boring day.

Scorpio (Norma Desmond) - Keep an eye on your money today because you might find money or you might lose money. Similarly, something might happen to your possessions. You might find something you previously lot or you might break something or lose it.

I am going to believe the National Post's horoscope writer writes these two signs specifically for Joe and Norma until proven otherwise.

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The Skivers

2013-08-01T17:11:47Z

Later tonight, an anthropological study of an Amazonian tribe, whose urination rituals have developed into a complex, mature language expressing collective identity. That's We, later tonight on Radio 4.

– The Skivers, Series 3 Episode 3

At least a quarter of the shows on Radio 4 have play-on-words titles; the fake continuity at the top and tail of each episode of The Skivers made hay of this. When I first started listening to BBC radio lo these many years ago this one made me laugh so hard I almost added a literal meaning to it, and resolved to record it when it came around again, which I have just missed out on doing as the show expires in a few hours. So here it is preserved for the ages in plain text. You're welcome.

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127 Already, How Time Flies

2013-01-02T22:48:18Z

HAPPY 127th BIRTHDAY, CHERRY!

Have a pony!

... okay, maybe that was a couple of years ago.

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Bottles

2012-12-21T05:33:06Z

Modern packaging is garish and chaotic. I am on a mission: If left long enough I will repackage everything in the house.

My roommate is remarkably understanding.

Trader Joe's stuff can stay. And don't worry, what appears to be an opiate is actually NyQuil.

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Tangled Web

2012-11-10T05:47:27Z

Tom Hanks is playing Walt Disney in an upcoming movie.*

The only other role in which I have seen Tom Hanks wear a moustache is as a dangerous and unsavoury gangster in Road to Perdition.

Road to Perdition is also the movie in which I was introduced to Daniel Craig ...

... who is now best known as James Bond.**

I can't help thinking there is a really good gag in here somewhere, but no matter how I arrange the pieces I can't get it to come out. Walt Disney and James Bond join the criminal underworld? Michael Sullivan and Connor Rooney turn their backs on the Mafia and get a clean start, one as the quintessential wholesome children's entertainer and the other as a superspy? Nothing quite rings ... so frustrating!

*What I know about this movie (which is not much) already offends me, but I will refrain from speaking upon it until I am better-informed.
**Though to me, he will always be Heisenberg.

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Horoscopes on Sunset Boulevard

2012-10-13T17:07:19Z

There was a time when I used to check the horoscopes ... not because of any belief that my destiny was written in the stars, but because the ones for Joe Gillis and Norma Desmond (Sagittarius and Scorpio, respectively) were often hilariously appropriate.

It's been a while since I've had regular access to a newspaper, and I'm not going to put in the extra effort to hunt them down online, but I was eyebrows-deep in this morning's National Post and decided to see if they were still up to their old tricks.

Scorpio (Norma)
Sometimes we have to stand on our own two feet and sometimes it's easy to get help from others. Lucky you, this year and next year you can definitely benefit from from the wealth and resources of others. Yeehaw! Keep your pockets open and keep smiling.

Sagittarius (Joe)
Relations with close friends and partners will improve ina beautiful way this year and next. For those of you who enter into a committed partnership now, it's very fortunate. Your partner will be older, richer or more worldly. (Every bit helps.)

Yep.

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Mind Like a Bag of Cats

2012-07-07T20:01:46Z

So I showed my previous Loki drawing to a friend at work; she (knowing the furry inhabitants of my home) said 'You should draw him playing bootlace with Elliot!'

My friends are a bad influence.

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Have Your Insulin Handy

2012-06-27T04:15:23Z

And because we all need more of this, a detail scan.

I've been hanging onto this since I saw it, Christmas of 2003, as it ... just ... surpasses all imagining. But I'm trying to downsize, so now it lives in the cloud. It seems appropriate, somehow.

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It Has Been a Good Saturday

2012-06-16T23:38:11Z

Really this is better with no explanation at all.

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Well, It's Better Than Lampreys

2011-08-24T15:40:39Z

A SURFEIT OF BANANAS

When my sister said 'You need to take time to do more art for yourself' I don't think this is what she meant ...

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Fastforward to the Little Tent of Death

2011-08-02T14:27:36Z

No longer content to make unending reference to corners of Polar history with which most of the Western Hemisphere was unfamiliar, Tealin then sought to combine it with reference to a long-forgotten American television series from the mid-1990s.

Her note accompanying this work reads as follows:

I drew this last Christmas, but as it involved more than a little bit of assembly and colouring I put it off till now (of course, when I am obscenely busy). I just finished Birdie's biography (an excellent pick-me-up!) and now believe this is more plausible than I could have imagined. Which is to say, 'probably still not very plausible at all ... probably.'

This piece signalled the irrevocable final slide into a world of such arcane combinations of references that eventually the only person who understood them was Tealin herself; while fans of the surreal were entertained by their baffling web of suggested allusion, the sad truth is she had lost all connection with reality, and ability to communicate with anyone outside her head.

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OPEN YOUR EARS

2011-07-18T18:34:25Z

Gather your Minimanimals and crack open a Chianto – Bigipedia is back!

BIGIPEDIA 2.0

Suspiciously coincidental with the launch of Google+, everyone's favourite hybrid Wikipedia/Google cyberfriend is back in audio form, complete with disambiguations, intrusive ads, and bizarre foreign children's cartoons. Don't worry about what happened to the Philippines last time – apparently that was just a glitch and will probably certainly never happen again.

Unfortunately this episode only lasts till Tuesday 11pm BST/3pm PDT. Fortunately that means a new episode is just over 24 hours away!

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Happy Birthday, Cherry!

2011-01-02T18:26:44Z

Incidentally, if you were planning to check out the exhibit at the AMNH, today is your LAST DAY!

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Plumbing New Depths of Stupid

2010-09-07T06:13:20Z

And that is why I am not allowed to have any free time.

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Previously, on PM

2010-08-27T19:31:21Z

In the absence of the regular news-based shows, this week's Friday Night Comedy is brought to you by the iPlayer:

Is someone ... trying to tell us something?

Did Eddie Mair hack it while on the road?

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