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99 Jobs and This Ain't One
I woke up at the usual time this morning, and took two and a half hours to get out of bed.
To be fair, I'm running a slight sleep deficit – I've been working pretty late most nights, and the one night I didn't need to, my housemate resumed her signature Late Night Angsty Phone Calls so I did anyway. I start feeling it if I don't get eight whole hours of sleep a night, and considering it can take close to an hour to fall asleep once I get into bed, getting there at 11:30 and waking up at 6 is not doing me a lot of favours these days.
Both my acupuncturist and my massage therapist told me I carry a lot of tension. No, really? Not sure what I'm supposed to do about that in the here and now. Chamomile tea doesn't go very far.
Having had what was probably chronic low-grade depression most of my adult life, with occasional flare-ups, and spending the last five years depression-free, I think I've identified my situational triggers as being prolonged hot sunny weather, and feeling trapped. They are probably interrelated, as the weather traps me indoors, but they have both independently brought on a bad brain too.
I am surprised that a month of lockdown, with the tension in the house, has not brought on a depression, but maybe it's not long enough yet – I am not 'trapped' so much as 'detained.' It has been consistently sunny but not hot. So this afternoon, when two hours of work was stretching into four and a half, yet all I was capable of doing was staring into space, I wondered if it was coming down on me at last. But what if it's just a lack of sleep? Last time I thought I was getting a depression I fought it off with caffeine – maybe that's all I need now. It would be nice to sink into a haze of numbness and stare at the wall next to my bed for the next three weeks, but OMG I HAVE SO MUCH I NEED TO DO. Most of it by 1 May, and two of the big things are major professional obligations. I need to figure this out. Shall I start by going to bed at 8 tonight? That's all I feel capable of doing right now, to be frank ...
To be fair, I'm running a slight sleep deficit – I've been working pretty late most nights, and the one night I didn't need to, my housemate resumed her signature Late Night Angsty Phone Calls so I did anyway. I start feeling it if I don't get eight whole hours of sleep a night, and considering it can take close to an hour to fall asleep once I get into bed, getting there at 11:30 and waking up at 6 is not doing me a lot of favours these days.
Both my acupuncturist and my massage therapist told me I carry a lot of tension. No, really? Not sure what I'm supposed to do about that in the here and now. Chamomile tea doesn't go very far.
Having had what was probably chronic low-grade depression most of my adult life, with occasional flare-ups, and spending the last five years depression-free, I think I've identified my situational triggers as being prolonged hot sunny weather, and feeling trapped. They are probably interrelated, as the weather traps me indoors, but they have both independently brought on a bad brain too.
I am surprised that a month of lockdown, with the tension in the house, has not brought on a depression, but maybe it's not long enough yet – I am not 'trapped' so much as 'detained.' It has been consistently sunny but not hot. So this afternoon, when two hours of work was stretching into four and a half, yet all I was capable of doing was staring into space, I wondered if it was coming down on me at last. But what if it's just a lack of sleep? Last time I thought I was getting a depression I fought it off with caffeine – maybe that's all I need now. It would be nice to sink into a haze of numbness and stare at the wall next to my bed for the next three weeks, but OMG I HAVE SO MUCH I NEED TO DO. Most of it by 1 May, and two of the big things are major professional obligations. I need to figure this out. Shall I start by going to bed at 8 tonight? That's all I feel capable of doing right now, to be frank ...
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I am surprised that a month of lockdown, with the tension in the house, has not brought on a depression, but maybe it's not long enough yet – I am not 'trapped' so much as 'detained.' It has been consistently sunny but not hot.
SAME. Pretty much exactly.
Fingers crossed sleep helps!