Australia: The Cold & Flu Revu

OK, OK, I know none of the critics liked it, but I wanted to see it anyway, because all I wanted from it was epic escapism and some accents and visual reference for Jack and Ellis.

Good thing I went to go see it while souped up on decongestants and beset by the worst cold I can remember ... I don't know if it made the movie better or worse, but it made me not care that I was distracted or confused or couldn't keep characters straight. So here is my scintillating and intellectual review:

There were cows. Lots and lots of cows. And a boy who I thought was a girl because I am that ethnically ignorant.

Australia is really really dry, except for when Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman are in love. Then there's so much water, like, you can't even move for the water.

Faramir looks more like Sean Bean's brother in this than in LotR. Go fig.

Beards.

Gotta give points to the guy who said 'You know what? Enough with this realistic CGI stuff, that's no fun. Let's just make it look cool!' I am referring to the wharf and ships at Darwin not the ... stampede and cliffs and stuff.

Too much kissing! Just ... stop ... kissing already. And it's all in closeups too! Ugh.

They died ... but then, they didn't! And then they did, and then they didn't! It was very exciting and I have no idea what happened.