"Progress"

[tealin]

1. Drank a lot of coffee today in anticipation of Gettn Stuff Done

2. Ran into the page for which I currently lack a great deal of necessary reference

Yeah, that was really well-thought-out there, self. Well done.

I'll just move on to the next page, for which I have adequate reference, and take a Bikeventure tomorrow to get proxy reference for one thing in case the email I sent requesting actual reference bears no fruit (which is entirely likely). Really it's not that big of a roadblock, just a rather jarring speedbump!

I am finding, with this project, surprising ways in which the Late Capitalist model of primary/secondary education has wired my brain in unhelpful ways. The biggest one is the whole notion of closed-book testing – I am finding, as I'm thumbnailing and drawing pages, that I default to trying to do them without referring to the compendious amount of reference I've compiled, which is utter bollocks and completely unnecessary. But how will I know I've learned what I've been studying unless my powers of recollection can be tested, in isolation? Open the damn book, Tealin.

This paralysis – albeit momentary – at not being able to do things in their proper order is another one. You can't just skip around the curriculum! You have to have continuity! No you don't. You've done the thumbnails. You know what's coming and what's gone before. You don't have to do ANYTHING in order. (Of course, doing it in order is more fun, on account of narrative immersion, but when it's just a montage of tableaux, who cares?)

12:28 AM
O HAY guess who isn't remotely tired? Go on, you never will!

Comments

[amaliak]

we picked apart my schooling with my therapist and I'm realizing how much of what I do and how I do it is based on those 6 years I spent at that college prep school. There's a perception of failure for NOT being able to it without help or reference that's SO hard to shake, the idea that you'll be quizzed at any moment, to have to prove your skill and/or knowledge level at the drop of a hat to show that you belong somewhere/doing something. I had no idea that wasn't normal.

Use your references! :)

[tealin]

Yikes, that's even worse than mine – tested at the drop of a hat? Sure to plant a lifetime of anxiety problems!

[amaliak]

Well, I'm not sure how much it was the reality, but it was definitely the perception perpetuated by my peers and reenforced by key incidents, so it's just been the way that I thought that things worked. It has led me to believe that I need to work even harder because historically my tests scores have not been at the very top, so I need to somehow prove that I am worthy of what I have.

SOOO much that's unhealthy and wow, I just dumped a lot of that here, sorry about that! #clean up on aisle 2

[tealin]

If this is a dump, it is but a drop in the bucket to the vast oceans of dumping that is this blog, so. No need for apologies. :)