University of Life, Module 38

[tealin]

After a week of exhausting portage, I have more or less settled into the new place. It's starting to feel a little more like home. I've embarked on the learning curve of how to use the Aga (takes a long time to reach baking temperature, however having a stove constantly on at low heat is so tremendously useful I may make it a habit in future homes) and have been applying my problem-solving skills to the troublesome radiator knobs that keep popping off (I think I fixed the one in the study this morning, but won't know until the heat turns on again tonight). Yesterday I reorganised the pantry and am feeling pretty secure in my food stocks, for now. And I'm acclimating to the ambient temperature – this may look like needless asceticism from the outside, but last year, when I went sailing for a frosty week at the beginning of April, I was the only one outside the crew who wasn't miserably cold. It felt like having a superpower, and it's a useful superpower which is worth maintaining.

It's been a long time since I lived on my own, and I was a little worried by how quickly I slid back into sloppiness and self-indulgences which I keep in check when living with others. I worry that I have not internalised the sort of changes that encourage me to seek communal living. Maybe that is a legitimate worry, or maybe the lesson I really learned was that I need to live alone. Certainly it's what I'm most suited for. Maybe I should stop taking Granny Weatherwax as a warning and instead accept my fate and try to model her better qualities. But all told, I feel like moving here is more backsliding, character-wise, than repotting for growth.

On the other hand, yesterday I dropped by the neighbours' to give them my contact info, and realised that I do have something to learn here: to reach out and make connections on my own, without fear. I've always struggled with social anxiety to some extent. This may come as a surprise to anyone who's seen me teach, as I have no stage fright at all and am very comfortable presenting to large groups of people – but that is an entirely different expereince from having a conversation, especially when one is at the bottom of the power dynamic instead of the top. I can't say the majority of my social interactions have been met with scorn, disinterest, fear, or hostility, but enough of them have – especially in the last few months – to reinforce my impression that people would prefer not to talk to me. I'm in a new place, with a new set of people, and it's vitally important I make the right first impression; hiding away in my house and not approaching anyone might feel like deference to me, but will look like standoffishness to anyone else. Thank goodness I have the lockdown to give me an excuse to hide away while I recuperate and build up the nerve.

Comments

[out_there]

You used to take Granny Weatherwax as a warning? For some reason, I always found her more of an inspiration (smart, forthright, good without being nice -- I love those sorts of characters).

Then again, I feel like my old age probably will involve me living alone and napping with a sign that says "I aten't dead", so... yeah.

[tealin]

I don't know how many positive attributes I share with Granny Weatherwax (or what counts as positive – that's subjective) but I share enough of her negative attributes (ditto) to see my future in her, to some extent, and it's not necessarily a future I want. I can tell you from ample personal experience that smart, forthright, good-without-nice people, especially of the female persuasion, do not have an easy time of it. People react much better to intellectual peers who can package difficult truths diplomatically and play nice – even people who are entertained by the Weatherwaxy characters. Weatherwaxes trigger people's defences and make life harder for themselves than is necessary. Nobody, except perhaps the most determined Ogg, chooses to spend time with them. Granny Weatherwax is a warning to me just as Black Aliss was a warning to her.

[out_there]

Weatherwaxes trigger people's defences and make life harder for themselves than is necessary.

*nods* I can see that. There are extremes of Weatherwax that make for a harder life, but there's also a self-sufficiency and strong moral principles that I really admire, as well as a certain generosity towards others. Not that she especially *likes* other people, but she can be kind and protective towards them -- and that consideration towards others is something I could do better.

[tealin]

Yeah, that's the sort of stuff I need to look at more closely, and try to fall into as fully as the negatives.